My Life's Story

3/25/2025

My life will have a happy ending. I know this because I know that God exists and that he loves me. On this website I have presented the evidence that God is real and that we are His creation. The evidence for the birth, death and ressurection of Jesus Christ is undeniable. Through the death and ressurection of Jesus Christ I know that I have forgiveness for my sins. I know for certain that my life will have a happy ending. But while the ending will be happy my life itself has been far from it.

My life has been one long road of pain and counfusion. Of lying and betrayal. I have hurt almost everyone that I have ever come into contact with. Ever since I can remember I have been some kind of a strange person. I should have gone to therapy or counseling but I never did. If you would like to know about someones messed up life keep reading. I will explain why I am writing this at the end.

When I was in second grade I made my first friend. He turned out to be almost the only friend I would ever have. We were good friends all the way until my Junior year of high school. Then things started to change. He began doing things that I did not agree with. My parents always took me to church and I believed what I heard. My friend and I took different paths. For the last two years of high school while he was with his friends I spent my nights watching Gilligans Island. It was a very lonely time in my life. I did not know then that it was just the beginning of my being alone.

I spent the next five years of my life going to college to get a degree that would do nothing for me. In those five years I never made one friend. I dreaded eating in the cafeteria because the tables were always full of people who seemed to be enjoying each others company. I always looked for a place where I could sit by myself. I had no social skills. I did not know how to reach out and make a friend.

If this sounds like a pity party that's probably because it is in a way. After college I drifted from place to place and did meet different people. They were never really good friends but we did do stuff together. But this is where the pattern of my life really started to show. If I ever did have someone who could be my friend I ended pushing them away. Whenver anything would go wrong I would always blame the other person. I always thought that I was right and they were wrong. When things went badly enough I would run.

I went from state to state and job to job always looking for a fresh start. I ended up at one point in a different location where I met a girl. I liked her and she liked me. At least at first. We spent time together and I thought that everything was fine. I left for about four months. When I got back I learned very quickly that things were not fine. I got an earful of how I always critized, complained and blamed her whenever things did not go my way. I quite simply had pushed another friend away. And I ran like I always did before.

A few more years later after many "fresh" starts I met a girl. She was very pretty and really nice. She was also a very strong Christian. But I knew then that I should not get married. I was unable to be a friend and I knew in my heart that I was different somehow. I wanted to leave but I could not as I was falling in love with her. So I asked her to marry me. I now wish that she had said no but she did not. So now I have spent the last 32 years of my life destroying one of the most beautiful people God ever created.

We had fights like every married couple does. But with my personality it was much more. I felt trapped and wounded and lonely. I was married to a girl and yet I was lonely. The only person that I had to talk to was her and I could not talk. I could not even open my mouth. I wanted to run but I could not - I was married.

So I ran in my mind. I got in contact with the girl from before. I honestly do not know why. But I think that it was because I was looking for the last time that I had felt happiness. The Isrealites were rescued from slavery by miracles from the Lord. And yet they wanted to go back to Egypt where they had been enslaved. They wanted their leeks and onions again. It seems so stupid for them to want to back to a place where they were mistreated and yet that is what they did. I did the same. I was unhappy and I wanted to go back to another place where I was unahppy. Very stupid but very true. In doing so I betrayed my wife. I hurt her so deeply that I cannot even begin to understand what whe felt. And I really do not even want to write the next section.

In my search for something to take away my pain I turned to alcohol. Like any young person I had tried alcohol. Throughout my life I had never drank much. I was never worried about alcohol addiction as I had never had much of an urge to drink. But boy did that ever change. In my marriage I became a raging alcoholic. It affected every aspect of my life. The fights got worse. My two children were badly affected by my behavior. My wife got the brunt of my sin.

And then it got much much worse. I discovered internet pornography. In my younger years I longed for sex as much any male. But I mostly had self control. I did make mistakes but I always repented because I knew I was wrong. But the pictures that I saw, often when I was drinking, took hold somehow of my brain. I looked at stuff off and on for years. I always tried to stop, my concsience was always convicting me and yet I persisted. Then my wife caught me.

This letter is being written in real time. It is currently 3/26/2025. I started it yesterday 3/25/2025. I made a discovery yesterday on 3/25/2025 that has changed my life. I am going to digress for for this section to explain my discovery. I will then get back to the most important part - my wife.

My wife and I are currently going through a very rough time. It is rough for me but killer for her. We are having many intense discussions while facing each other in separate chairs. The separate chair part is important as it has to do with my discovery. A few days ago while we are sitting there having a discussion I asked her "Did you notice that I am talking?" She acknowledged that she did. The simple fact that I was talking was astounding to me. In the past when we had disagreements I would often sit and stare unable to talk. My silence drove her crazy. The "disagreement" turned into a full scale argument. But here I was sitting there talking.

3/26/2025

Yesterday 3/25/2025 I was typing my letter like I am now when I decided to see if any other people could not talk even if they wanted to. So I did an internet search. I was stunned by what I learned. I have situational mutism. I have never been diagnosed by a professional. But based on my history I have no doubt that it is what I have. It is high level anxiety that could be related to autism where a person is unable to speak in certain situations. When I previously stated that I should have received some counseling I now know that I was not being flippant. If not treated early situational mutisim can persit well into adulthood. Most studies are with children. Not much is known about adults. I am now almost 68 years old. Up until a few days ago I still suffered from the inability to talk. A doctor has never issued a diagnoses. But I am positive it is what I have. I am now going to reference some examples from my life where I never understood what was happening but now I do.

It probably started much sooner but my first recollection of this issue was in a bowling alley when I was in 5th or 6th grade. After school some kids got to go bowling. There was a girl there that I liked. We had talked to each other before and were friendly to each other. But I had never told here that I really liked her. While I was sitting in the scorers chair an aquantice of ours came over to me and said "There is someone who likes you". I knew exactly who she was talking about. I could not move. I could not talk. My body was frozen as if I were mummified. I never even looked at this person. I was in some kind of a trance. I am not sure if I ever talked again during that entire time. My next memory of that day is me riding in the back seat of the car while my drove us home. I tried my best to not let her hear me crying. I liked that girl but I could not say a word of any kind. I do not think that I ever spoke to her again.

When I was in my late twenties I was cross-country skiing with a girl that I had a slight attraction to. We were having a good time on very sunny day. We were sitting on a big boulder talking when something happened. I do not know what triggered it but I suddenly could not talk. I could not turn my head. She tried to ask me in a very nice way what was I thinking about. I never spoke. I wanted to, I was trying to but I could not. We were not fighting or arguing, we were having a very good time. But something switched in my brain and I froze. There are many more examples from throughout my life where this disorder kicked in. But the most important ones were with the individual who is currently my wife.

She and I were dating when we took a car ride to a very famous local cafe. We had both been there before with different groups. It was a beautiful day and it should have been a fun time. Except for the fact that for some reason my inability to talk kicked in. I was comatose for almost the entire time. She was hurt and confused but I was unable to explain what was going on. We were not fighting. We were not arguing. But somehow or in some way this disorder kicked in. This is just one example of this issue. My wife has a much better memeory than me. She could list off multiple times where my inabilty to talk impacted our relationship.

My most vivid memories are when what should have been disagreements, as all married couples have, turned into full blown war. Communication. My wife needs communication. I need to communicate. On many occasions, too many to list, this disorder shows up. She is talking and I am talking. Suddenly I am not talking. I cannot say a word. I sit and stare. She thinks I am ingoring her. Her agitation grows, her mood changes and she talks louder. I sit and stare. I desperately want to say something but I cannot. She needs me to communicate. I want to communicate. But I am unable to. What could have been a simple disagreement, that could have been easily rectified, turns into a massive fight. And it was all caused by my inability to communicate. I could never understand what was wrong with me but now I know.

I have known for most of my adult life that I am weird. I often comment that when I die if anyone dissects my brain they will find some missing cells or something. I have always known that I was different somehow. I have always struggled socially. I have often felt anxious and alone. Even when I am with someone I like and am having a good time I can feel lonely. But I never could explain to myself why I was the way I was. On 3/25/2025 I discovered why. I have a high level of anxiety that I never knew I had. If at an early age I had received some counseling or medication I may have lived a normal life. I am not blaming anyone for not receiving the help that I needed. I just know now that I have lived almost 68 years with an undiagnosed disorder. It has affected every aspect of my life and every relationship that I have ever had. It has affected my children. But most importantly it has affected my wife.

I learned that stituational mutisim also includes a high level of anxiety. I never even concerned myself with anxiety. I think I came from an era where you were told to just "suck it up". When I think about it now I think that I have suffered many episodes of anxiety. I often feel as if my whole body is in some kind of a pressure chamber or vise. And I am being squeezed to the point of not being able to even breathe. The episodes usually occur during times of stress. My wife thought I was anorexic before our wedding because I had lost so much weight from not eating. Tax time can almost kill me because I do not sleep. And arguments with my wife are extremely stressfull.

An obvious question that anyone would ask is whether I am going to seek professional help. The answer is no. The arrogant, and possibly stupid reason, is that I think that I am better. I am going to explain why I think that.

As far back as I can remember I have always prayed to God for Him to change me. I knew that I needed to change somehow. If anyone mentioned counseling I would always think that I have the best counseler in the world - The Holy Spirit. And while that is true I now know that I should have received some human counseling as well. But I did not do that. I continued to pray. Years have gone by and but I always remained the same person. I could not change.

A few days ago something very strange happened to me. I do not remember exactly where I was but I heard what I thought was an audible click in my head. It seemed very odd but I knew, or thought that I knew, that I had heard something. The next thing I know I am having a very stressfull "conversation" with my wife. And yet I am talking. I am communicating during the worst days of my life. I feel no pressure chamber. There is no vise. I am taking the blame. I am admitting my sin. I am not walking or running away. I feel like a completely different person.

I believe in God and I also believe in answered prayer. My situation had not changed. I am not on any medication. I have received no counseling. The only person that I am talking to is my wife. Most of our conversations are very stressfull. And yet something happened that changed me completely. I truly believe that my prayer of many years had finally been answered. My only question now is why did my wife have go through all of this with me. I may never know the answer to that.

3/28/2025

This is now a different day and I am on to the most important part of my life's story - my wife and our marriage. Because I am typing this in real time some of what I say may be reduntant or repetitive. As I explain at the end one of the reasons that I am writing this is for my own mental health. So if I repeat myself I am ok with that.

I have had social issues all of my life as I have explained. I had an untreated mental illness. I read that if left untreated that illness can lead to poor social skills. I have basicaly no social skills. Bible studies, parties, whatever I am almost always sitting by myself or off taking a walk. I was unable to interact with other people in a normal way. I am sure that I appeareds aloof and uncaring. I was actually out in loneliness.

And I have a very cold personality. My family was never very affectionate towards each other. I do not remember my dad ever saying an endearment to my mom. He may have and I was just unaware. But my mother would often get really upset with my dad for being cold. She critized him for being cold just like his dad was. Apparently coldness runs in my family. I am not blaming anyone for my sins. It is just a part of the picture.

Whether its part of my illness or just I turned out this way I have always been a blame shifter. When something went wrong it was always the other persons fault. When things got too bad I moved somewhere else to start over. I moved repeatedly trying to find some place where I fit in. In none of my moves did I ever have a friend to say goodbye to. I just packed up and left.

There is something in the back of my mind that tells me not to get married. I know that I do not have the mental capability to be in a relationship. I sense that there is something wrong with me somehow. And yet I do not want to be alone. I meet this girl, fall in love and ask her to marry me. She says yes. She has no idea that she just made the worst decision of her life.

There were times where I would freeze and be unable to make a sound. But there were also many more times where I could not communicate normaly. A little thing would happen that bothered me. I could never bring it up it a nice friendly matter and get it resolved. What I did instead was internalize it in the hope that it would go away. It never did. After a time I had many little things that bothered me. They cooked inside of me like a pot of molten lava. Some day, for some unknown reason, I would explode in anger like a volcano. My wife never knew it was coming. It was a complete shock to her. This happened repeatedly in our marriage. Everything would appear to be fine and suddenly it wasn't.

Our marriage was not all bad. At least not from my point of view. I remember a lot of good times that we spent together. In fact I am a making separate list for myself to remind myself of those times. But there was always the problem of communication.

I could easily spout out the negatives when they built up enough but for some reason the positives rarely came out of my mouth. My wife is very pretty. I hardly ever told her that. She is a wonderful mother to our children. She would never know that I thought that because I never say it. I enjoyed taking rides with her, having picnics, watching sports together and on and on. But I never tell her. And I don't know why.

I have a repeating pattern of blaming others. I have an actual medical condition that causes me to be unable to even utter a sound. I have a high level of anxiety that I do not even know exists. I have a cold and non-affectionate personality. I think that if you took the worst attributes of different people, put them into a blender and then poured it into my head you would have me. And then to make it all really come together in a most evil way you would add alcohol.

I am going to explain the affect of alcohol on my life as it has had a major impact on how I treated my wife.

3/31/2025

I realized this morning that I keep saying I am going to get to my wife but end up with something different. I will get to her eventually but this is my life's story and I am going to keep going with me for a while. Then I will explain what this all has to do with her.

Before I get to alcohol I am going to talk about addiction. I never thought that I could ever become addicted to anything. I have always considered myself strong and independent. Over the course of my life I have come to realize that I am actually very weak and very dependent. The first dependency that I recognized in my life was to nicotine.

My mother smoked cigarettes. She spent her entire life trying to quit. I remember as a young person running around the house grabbing and hiding ashtrays as my grandmother was on her way over. My mother always tried to hide the fact that she smoked. I am pretty sure that my grandmother knew all along. My mother died without ever being able to quit. I thought to myself "what a waste of time" and I had no desire to smoke.

Years later I was working at a resort as a janitor. They had a Skoal (chewing tabacco) party. I decided to try some. If I had not been holding on to a broom I probably would have fallen down. I then spent the next 2-3 years of my life trying to quit chewing. I would drive past a gas station, then drive for miles, only to turn around and go back because I had to buy some more. Over time I was finally able to break free. I think about all of that time that, when I could have been doing something positive, I wasted simply trying not to do something negative.

My next addiction was to a candy bar. I was hitch-hiking to Alaska for a summer. I stopped at a grocery store and bought a 3-Muskateers bar. I do not even really like 3-Muskateers. I then spent half of my summer not enjoying my trip but simply looking for another 3-Muskateers. They are hard to find in Alaska. It could not be a Snickers or a Reeses, which I like much better, it had be a 3-Muskateers. I do not eat very many candy bars anyway but I will never eat another 3-Muskateers. I do not know how it happened but I ended up spending a lot of time trying to not do something negative instead of actually doing something positive.

Next up is alcohol. To get a perspective on this one I am going to go through my experience with alcohol until 34 years of age. My mothers father was an alcoholic. Apparently he was very abusive to my grandmother. My mother was concerned about my relationship with alcohol. I assured her that I had no problem with alcohol and did not desire to drink too much of it.

For most of my life that was a true statement. I was raised in a Christian home. The only alcohol in our house that I remember were in two different bottles. One was Creme-de-minth and the other was some Mogan David wine. My best friends parents would play cards on Friday nights and they would each have a little drink. I tried both types of alcohol (when they were not looking), and did not like either one of them.

While in high school, and two years at a community college, I would sometimes go out with my best friend and some of his (our) friends. We went to a local bar and drank beer. After 2-3 glasses I would turn my glass upside down as I was done drinking. They would all harass and make fun of me and encourage me to drink more. I did not. This happened possibly 6-7 time. I went to to 2 keggars and a party at a big house where I did drink too much. We went to a park and drank pints of lemon-lime vodka while we chucked fire-crackers at each other. Once again I drank too much. We played penny-anny poker once in while and drink a beer of two. That was the extent of my drinking up until I was 21 years old when I went away to a university.

Like any large university there was a lot of parties and drinking. I was there for 2 1/2 years. The only alcohol I had during that entire time was when my study group went to a local bar to do our class reports. This bar had pitchers of beer for $1.25 and free popcorn. We would drink 1-2 pitchers (between 4 people) and do our lab sheets. This happened 4-5 times during my senior year. That was the extent of my drinking alcohol while spending 2 1/2 years at college. In that time I never went to a party, I never went to a bar and I never drank on my own.

For the next several years I moved around the country from state to state. In one location I bought a bottle of wine. In another my cabin-mate and I would drink a case of beer between us over of the course of about a month. 24 beers between two adult males who were both working full time. This happened three times. In another location, after a hard days work at a lumber mill, I would buy a bottle of hard cider at a gas station and sit by a river and relax. This happened 5-6 times. I went for a hay ride one time where they passed around a bottle of peppermint schnopps. I ended up drinking too much.

For nearly four years I lived down the road from a very popular local bar. I never stepped through the door. I was in Homer, Alaska where a very famous bar called The Salty Dog is located. I walked in, looked around and left. I was in the Yukon at a huge antique bar with oak and gold trim that was built during the gold rush. They had a scale on the bar where people could weigh out gold dust to buy a drink. I talked to the bartender and he said it was still in use. I looked around and walked out. Never had a drink. I spent a summer in Europe where I had some hard cider in England and few bottles of wine on the Continent.

That is the extent of my alcohol consumption until I was 34 years old. Not exactly the sign of a future alcoholic. But things were about to change.

4/5/2025

A lot has changed since my last entry but I will get to that later. On to alcohol addiction.

When I was 34 I began to help an individual with their schoolwork. This individual was extremely difficult to work with. It was a very stressfull time. One day during one of our sessions I was offered a rum and Coke. I had never had one before. It tasted good and before I knew it I was offered another one. I soon realized that I was not as stressed as I was before. The tutoring sessions came to an end and my life continued on as before.

I will fast forward a few years. I got married, made love to my wife, had fights with her and all the usual stuff that goes with a marriage. But I had a problem and it was a big problem. All of my social issues were still there. Eventually the pressure got to an extreme. I do not remember how it happened but I somehow turned to alcohol to relieve the stress. It did relieve the stress - for a short time. But all it really did was cause all sorts of problems in my life.

I became a person that I now do not even recognize. I treated my wife very poorly. I even got close to physical harm at one point. That is not who I am nor is it who I ever want to be. My biggest issue is that I was mentally abusive to my wife. I continually tried to quit drinking and continually kept drinking. I could use up a thousands sheets of paper if I wanted to list off all of the mistakes I made while drinking. I do not want to. All I know is that I never thought that this could happen to me. I am still stunned by the fact that alcohol took over my life.

Alcohol abuse then led to another addiction - pornography. So now I want to explain my experience with pornography. In my life I have always thought of sins in a kind of level idea. Some sins were worse than others. Sexual sins were always at the top. I know from the Bible that all other sins are outside the body but sexual sins are against the body. My body is the body of Christ and when I commit a sexual sin I am sinning against Christ. So I have always considered pornography one of the worst sins that a person could commit. And yet the sinful nature is always there. So here is my pornography history until I was well into my marriage.

When I was about 12 my best friend and I set up camp in his parents backyard. We a had a tent and sleeping bags and a lot of food. We also had a small black and white TV. He knew that there was movie being shown where at some point a girl was supposed to take her top off and expose her breasts. We watched the movie intently while playing games. The movie was boring and we never did see anything. Some time later I discovered some Playboy magazines and looked at them for a little while. That was it for pornography while in high school.

At college I found out that they were showing Deep Throat in a small school auditorium. You could go see it for 50 cents. I was a Christian. I knew that it was wrong and yet I wanted to see this movie that was somewhat infamous at the time. So I succumbed to my sinful nature and went in. For the first 15-20 minutes it was very exciting as I was seeing stuff that I had never seen before. I was also feeling very guilty for even being there. After about 25 minutes I realized that I had had enough, that it had become very boring and that I should leave. I have never stopped regretting going to that movie for over 40 years. I spent 20 minutes watching something that I would spend a lifetime regretting.

That was the extent of pornography in my life until well into adulthood. In my early 30's I was renting a small room in a house while starting a new job. The owner was disabled and spent most of his time watching videos and drinking. I soon found out that the videos were pornographic. I did my best to not look while going to and from my room. One day while shopping at a large discount store I bought a bottle of wine. My job was very stressfull and I thought that it would help relieve some of the stress.

One night I am in my room doing work and drinking wine. I know that the owner of the house has gone to bed. For some reason, and I know the reason, I went out and watched some of his videos. This happened once and possibly twice but I really cannot remember. All I do know is that I was wracked by guilt and knew that I had to get out of that house. I soon moved out and then paid a lot more money for another room. It cost me more financially but it was worth it. At that time I still had a conscience and I knew that pornography was not for me. That was the extent of pornography in my life until I was well into marriage.

After many years of marriage my anxiety level was extremely high. My wife and I would have some very terrible fights and it could get pretty ugly. Almost all of the fighting was because of my social issues and alcohol. I was in pretty bad shape at this time and feeling like I was totally stressed out. I could not talk to her, I had no one else to talk to and I could not have talked even if I did. I kept everything inside. And then one day I discovered something - the internet.

I never knew what the internet was but I soon discovered that you could see things from around the world on your own computer. I do not remember how it happened but somehow I found a website that showed naked women. During this time I could not get excited with my own wife who was right next to me. The pressure, the anger, anxiety or whatever it was kept me from reaching out to her. Lying right beside me in bed was a beautiful girl who wanted me to make love to her. A woman who would have been thrilled if I had only turned to her and held her, kissed her and fondled her. But I could not do it. So instead I reached out to a picture on a screen. There was no pressure. There was no anxiety. There was no baggage of any kind. For a short time, a very short time, it seemed like an escape into a happier place. It was not happy at all. Up until about 2 weeks ago I have spent my time looking, regretting, not looking, then looking again, then regretting again.

Pornograhpy became yet another addiction. In all of this time I actually did not spend that much time doing it. I spent most of my time trying not to. Once again I spent much of my time trying not to do something negative rather than doing something positive. And as a pastor once said: if you are making brownies and add dog poop to the recipe it does not matter if you add a little or lot. The dog poop ruins the brownies either way. I could have looked once or I could have looked a million times. It makes no difference. I was sinning against God and I was sinning against my own wife. I knew it was sin, I was fighting it, and I kept doing it. Right up until about two weeks ago.

7/12/2025

It has been a long time since my last entry. A lot has happened. I will get back to my pornography addiction at a later date. I have not re-read my previous writings before this and so what I am about to write may be reduntant or contradictory to what I said previously. I hope not but in the end I will go back and try to clarify any inconsistencies.

For today I want to write about my wife. She is still here. Those words bring tears to my eyes as I am writing these words. I have to keep blinking in order to see what I am typing. She is still here. Not only is she still here but she still loves me, she still talks to me, she still shows concern for me and she is helping me. God has blessed me with the most beautiful woman in the world. When I say beautiful I do not mean just physical beauty, which she certainly posesses, but I am talking also about inner beauty. A beauty that comes from someone who loves the Lord and has a heart for others - even me.

I believe in God and I believe in miracles. I believe that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead, I believe that the Israelites crossed the sea on dry ground,I believe in Jonah, Noah and all the rest of the miracles listed in the Bible. I also believe that God performed a miracle in my life on the road some months ago. My wife is still here. Whether that is officially a miracle or not I do not know. But to me it does not matter. It feels like one.

When I would come home from work after all this happened my biggest fear was that her car would not be in the driveway. I was terrified that I would be coming home to an empty house. What I came home to was a very hurt, confused and angry wife. I got yelled at, screamed at, physically hit (not too hard but hard enough) and I was thrilled. Not for what I had done to her but simply for the fact that she was still there. And I quickly realized that if she was not mad then that meant that she did not care. Her anger told me that she still cared for me.

It has been a few months since my last entry. In that time there has been a lot of anger and confusion and pain. There has also been a lot of love. In all of this, through all of my mistakes and all of my sin, my wife has never let go of me. For that I thank God. And in addition to this she has also helped me to understand myself and has discovered things about me that I never knew.

My wife stays home while I go into town to work. We have two dogs and two cats. Because of the situation my wife has quite a bit of time. She also has a phone, the internet and a very intelligent and perceptive mind. I say all of that because I thoroughly believe that God is behind all of what has happened, is happening and what will happen. I will write more about that later. But for the moment I only want to say that my wife has been instrumental in me understanding my life's story.

I think that what led my wife to start researching all of this was pain. She was trying to understand what happened to her and why. Somehow in all of the internet searching she did she came upon personality disorders and discovered that I had one. I "accidently" discovered that I suffered from Situational Mutism. My wife discovered that I suffer from an attachement style known as Dismissive Avoidance. That discovery, which I believe happened through the direction of the Holy Spirit, has allowed me to see myself in whole new light. There is much more I want to say about this but it will have to wait for another time. All I want to say for now is "She is still here".

8/9/2025

Not only is my wife still here but we are actually drawing closer to each other than we have ever been. When I first fell in love with her I thought that I knew what love was. But after 33 years of causing her pain I had a major change that I can only attribute to God. My change did not give her back those 33 years but I have come to realize just how much I love my wife. I never went to work and thought about her all day. I never in my life spent the day wanting to go home to be with someone. And yet that is how I spend my days now. And I do not believe in any way that it is temporary. I believe that I have been given a gift from God who is my wife. She may not believe it, or want to accept it, due to the fact that her life has been what some would call a "living hell". And I would never want to have anyone have to go through what she has gone through. And yet in all of this I believe that God gave her to me. For what reason I do not know. Why she had to have, and still has, so much pain on account of me I cannot understand. But I do believe that God put her into my life for a reason. And he has now allowed me to love her the way that I think that He intended all along. Even now as I type this at 7 in the morning I cannot wait to get to be with her as soon as I get off of work.

And not only do I get to go home and hold her and talk with her but I also get to learn about myself. What I mean by that is that for most of my life I have never understood the feelings that I had inside. I have always had a feeling that there was something wrong with me but I did not know what it was. I have prayed for as long as I can remember for God to change me. After almost 68 years of prayer he did. And my wife, I believe through the leading of the Holy Spirit, has helped me to understand what I was. Attachment styles. I had never heard of such a thing. Dismissive avoidant - what in the world is that? Turns out that it is me. My wife, with her phone and the internet, has opened a whole new world to me that I never knew existed. As I sat on the couch talking to her she would say that as I described my feelings that they were almost exactly what she had been reading about dismissive avoidance. To this day she cannot explain why this term even came up on her phone as a search suggestion. All she knew at the time was that her supposedly Christian husband was addicted to alcohol and pornography. Through all of the pain, and tears that are too numerous to count, she was led somehow to different sites with psychiatrists and psychologists that explained much of why I was the way that I was. And I say "was" because I do not believe that that term applies to me anymore. It would seem impossible to almost anyone who is familiar with this disorder that a dismissive avoidant could be changed without years of therapy and counseling. And yet I was changed - in the twinking of an eye. It wasn't so much of a "click" as it was a "clunk". Like a circuit breaker being thrown. Something happened to me on that road that I can only attribute to God.

9/3/2025

Attachment styles can sound like some type of candy flavor to me. What I have, or had, is nothing like candy. And the consequences have turned out to be very severe. When I started this letter I had never heard of dismissive avoidance. And now I am learning not only what helps to explain why I am the way that I am but I am also learning, or relearning, the devastating effects that it can have on those around me. I have always felt that I left a trail of destruction on people wherever I have been. That feeling is still there.

They say that a dismissive avoidant begins at a very young age. The cause is supposed to be the upbringing that the child had. The parents are usually to blame. Both of my parents are dead. In a way that could be a good thing if they were to believe that they caused me to be the way that I am. I am not sure about the cause even though I am not a doctor and most of what I read now makes perfect sense. But in any event I do not blame my parents for any of what has happened. How I turned out could be because of the way that I was raised or I could have turned out this way no matter what. What I do know is what I am has had a major effect on my own children. They both appear to have mental health issues in some way. And of course I blame myself for those issues. To them right now I can only say that I am sorry. I cannot go back in time and redo my life. Even though at times I desperately want to. But certain things have just come to light in one of my childs life that have deeply affected my own life. I cannot think of a better way to say that right now. But what has happened, and the timing of it, seems to me to be very strange.

I, and my wife, are encouraging our child to get help from a mental health professional. To get counseling in order to find healing. That is very strange to me. For almost 68 years I needed counseling. I needed healing. And yet if someone had suggested it I am almost positive that I would have rejected that advice. I always thought that other people were to blame for my problems. I always thought that if I were with different people or was in a different situation then things would be better for me. What if I had been offered help? What if I had accepted that help? Could all of this had been avoided? I will never know the answer to that but what I did think about today is timing. The timing of God.

I thought about what would have happened, or could have happened, if what my child is going through had taken place 6 months ago. Or a year ago or even 5 years ago. At that time I was in the midst of addiction. I was to put it very midly a mess. I did not like my life, I did not like myself and I did not like others much including my wife at times. I do not understand the timing. I do not understand God. I get the fact that I had a messed up my life. What I do not get is why God allowed my wife to feel the pain that she has for so long. And now I do not get why my child has to feel pain as well. All on account of me.

I started writing today at around 5 am. I stopped because I realized that I had sunk into another pity party. Many people throw pity parties. I know because I am one of them. So I finish this around 2 pm the same day. I do not make light of what I have done. I know, and feel, the consequences every day. However I have always believed in God. At least as far back as I can remember. I believe in Him more now than ever. I do not understand Him. I do not always agree with Him. But I do believe. Based more on the evidence than anything. Right now all I am doing is enjoying my life. I am enjoying my life with my wife. I have a gift from God that I did not appreciate before. I definately appreciate it now. To be completely honest I cannot wait to get home and be with my wife. The wife that God gave me.

10/11/2025

Decided to write something while I am at work. My job is to answer phones and when it is not ringing I have time to write. This section could be even more uneneven than the previous part. My wife has now read what I have written up to this point. I have not gone back to re-read it so I really have no idea of exactly what I have said so far. She is extremely hurt by what I have done. Sin has consequences and one of the consequences of my sin is the overwhelming pain that my wife is going through as she learns the truth about me. One of my consequences is knowing that I am the cause of all that pain. I thank God that I no longer live in the abyss that I once did. I used to liken the feeling that I had to being in some kind of pressure suit. Over time I have almost forgotten what that felt like. But I was at the dentist recently and they took my blood pressure. (It was a little high. What a ridiculous place to take someones blood pressure. Of course it is going to be higher right before the dentist comes in.) Anyway, as the assistant squeezed the bulb I felt the pressure increase. I then realized again how it felt. It was as if the blood pressure cuff surrounded my entire body while the bulb was being squeezed.

I no longer have that feeling. I thank God for that. But even though my pain is gone my wife now has immeasurable pain. One of the hurts that she has is that she said that I previoulsy wrote that "She did not satisfy me (sexually) so I turned to porn." I do not remember writing that but apparently I did. I explained to her, and I will say it here, that it had nothing to do with her. Easy for me to say I know but it is true. I could not be close to my wife during that time. I could not be intimate with her. So I satisfied my animalistic urges through pornography. I was trapped in sin. I was trapped in addiction. Neither one of which does my wife any good. I hurt her. She is hurting. And at this moment there seems to be nothing that I can do about it. Which is killing me.

My wife lives a life of anxiety now. She fears that I am secretly communicating with my previous girlfriend. The one that I went to see while we were dating. Possibly while engaged. I really cannot remember but my wife sure can. The one that I wrote to while married. Of all of my sins during this time - alcohol addiction, pornography and infidelity, it is infidelity that has caused the most hurt. My wife had every reason, and still does, both Biblically and legally to divorce me. She has suffered more harm than I could ever imagine. She has stayed with me but she is paying the price. A price that I should be paying not her. It has gotten busy and I am losing my train of thought so I will pick this up another day.

10/14/2025

Back at work again with another chance to write. My wife is enduring a lot of pain because of my previous sins. Because of my actions she is extremely sensitive to how I see women. At one point we were in line for some food at an outdoor vendor. In front of me were two girls wearing what looked like sports uniforms. I mentioned this to my wife. She asked me with a very concerned look on her face "How did you know they were girls". That question shocked me. I did not know that I was supposed to see a human being and not be able to tell if it was a male or female. I was stunned. She has since ammended that stance a little but it did show me just how sensitive she is concerning me and other women.

I think that I have three phases to my life. One was from when I was born up to about 35 years of age. During this time I committed ocasional sins as I have previously written. I was a Christian, I did bad things, I repented, was forgiven and moved on. Pretty typical for any Christian that I knew.

I then entered a very dark period where I became first addicted to alcohol and then pornography. I did things that I could not imagine that I would ever do and even now cannot believe that I did them. But I did do them.

In March of this year, just before my 68th birthday God answered a prayer that I had been praying for most of my adult life. He changed me. In an instant I was changed. But not completely. I had been a dismissive avoidant for almost my entire life. One of the characteristics of a dismissive avoidant is the inability to have empathy or compassion for others. That inability was certainly evident in my life. I had just got caught looking at pornographic websites. I apologized to my wife and said that I was sorry. I reminded her that the Bible said that she had to forgive me 70 x 7. I said I was sorry what else did she want me to do?

Over the next few days as my wife was crying and in shock I tried to find the time to finish the last season of Seinfeld. We had a paid subscription to a streaming service that was about to run out. I had only a few episodes left to have completely seen the entire series. I had just ruined my wifes life and all that concerned me was to watch a TV show. A TV show that I knew then and I really know now that I, as a Christian, should not have been watching in the first place.

I said that one of the deepest hurts that I caused my wife was me communicating with a former girlfriend. To this day that act continues to cause incredible pain for my wife. At one point following my "transformation" my wife brought up the fact that I had got in touch with my ex. My response? "It's no big deal". A couple of weeks later I was driving home from work (I can remember the exact location where it happened) when that response "It's no big deal" popped into my head. I was devastated that I could have been so cruel to the one I love. The getting together was bad enough but my reponse could be considered to be even worse.

I have since realized that though my change was instaneous it was not complete. A lot of things did change instantly and I will outline those as I go along. But not everything changed in a flash. I then remembered a Bible verse about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. Renewing is an action verb and although some changes were instantaneous some took time.

Empathy was one that, for some reason, took some time. I had cheated on my wife, I was a porn addict, I was an alcoholic. I had just basically destroyed my wife's life. But I could not feel it. I knew that I had sinned. I knew that I had done evil things. But I could not feel the pain that my wife was going through. I feel it now. I tell her that I will never really know how she feels but I do feel it. My heart breaks for her heart. I cannot believe what I have done. The hurt that I have caused. And I know that I will live with that pain for the rest of my life. I did not have empathy at first but I definately have it now.

There were two changes that took place instantly with the "clunk". My desire to stop and get a beer or other alcohol by myself completely dissapeared. I had been praying during the whole alcoholic period that God would remove that desire from me. With rare exception (one or two times) my desire to drink by myself is gone. I still drink alcohol but only with my wife. And I can still have too much at one time ocassionaly but I do not believe that I have any type of addiction. It used to be that I felt pulled into a liquor store like I was wearing a metal suit and a super magnet was in the store. I do not have that feeling anymore. That change was instantaneous.

The second instant change was my desire to look at pornographic websites. Since that moment of change I have had no desire of any kind to look at a pornographic website or image. I do not think about doing it. I do not pray not to do it. I just have absolutely no desire to do it. That change was instantaneous. When I say pornographic I am talking nudity. There are many other images that while not labeled by some as pornographic are still innappropriate for some people. It is these images, and more, that are causing excrutiating pain for my wife. I want to explain all of this but I am out of time. I will continue this on another day.

10/21/2025

So now I will try to explain the things that I alluded to previously. This will mostly be about sex and sexual sins. In order to do so I am going to reference the three phases that I believe my life consisted of. Up until I was about 34 years old I always knew not to look at a woman, a woman who wasn't your wife, lustfully. I also knew not to put myself into a situation that could lead to that type of behavior. I was very careful to keep my eyes to myself.

I then entered my pornographic addiction phase. This is where I let sin reign in my body and I looked at many nude images and videos in order to try to satisfy my sexual needs. It did not work at all as I was never satisified. Yet at the same time that I was looking at hardcore pornography I was offended by what I would call inappropriate dress by female characters in television shows I would watch. Most often with the help of alcohol I could squish the Holy Spirit in order to watch porn sites and yet be offended by mostly dressed actresses. I was a hypocrite beyond belief.

But then came phase three. God performed a miracle in my life. After my change I no longer wanted to look at pornographic images. I no longer desired, and still do not desire, to see any inappropriate image. The only female body that I want to look at is my wife. I feel that in the area of sex I am now farther along and stronger in my faith than I ever have been. But I am still a male.

This next part will cause consternation for some people. But I am going to say it anyway as I believe it to be true. Someday I may change my mind but what I am writing right now is what I believe to be true right now. Human males are more prone to temptation sexually using visual stimuli than females are. In other words human males have a greater tendency to lust with their eyes than females do. That statement alone can bring out very strong emotions for some people. But the evidence to me is very clear.

The Bible is filled with accounts of sexual sins. Almost everyone of them is committed by a male. David and Bathsheeba is only one example but it is typical. David looks, and looks some more and lusts. His lust leads to infidelity and murder. Jesus says that "When a man looks a women lustfully he has committed adultery in his heart". Jesus does not say "when a woman looks at a man" or "when a person looks at a person". He says "when a man looks at a woman".

If the evidence fromt the Bible is not enough just look at money. Most people want money. Most people want more money. Pornographic websites exist for the sole purpose of making money. Who are they desinged to appeal to? The human male. Magazines are produced for the sole purpose of making money. What is on the cover of a magazine for women? It is furniture, dresses, home furnishings etc. And for the man? Women, cars and tools. With cars and tools there are usually women included as well. Men are more prone to sexual sins visually. I think that anyone who would deny this is ignorant of the evidence.

But this does not give a male the right to commit sexual sins. There is no excuse for any sin of any kind on the part of a Christian whether male or female. The Bible says that the Devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for whom he may devour. Solomon said that "Death and Hades are never satisfied and neither are the eyes of man". The word used for man in this verse refers to males not people in general. Males are more sexually enticed visually than women are. But being aware of the possibilty of lust does not give the male a right to lust. On the contrary, knowing that his eyes are a possible portal to temptation should cause the Christian male to be even more careful as to what he looks at. Christian males should be more vigilant, not less, when it comes to visual sexual clues.

Which leads me to the internet. I know to not go to any sexual website. I know to not intentionally look at any innapropriate image. But I am still a male. I was reading the comics online. As I was doing so an ad popped up with a girl in her underwear. I looked. I knew not to, I regretted doing so and I looked away. But I still looked. While on the internet I was reading an article when an ad came up advertising bras. It caught my eye. I did not lust. I did not lear but it still caught my eye. An image that as a married Christian male I did not need, nor did I want, to see. I was not ready for the lion prowling around in internet ads.

I used to have an adblocker on my computer. But many websites did not work properly while using an ad blocker. So I disabled it. Since my "change" my attitude has changed. It was not instantaneous like I wish it had been. But I have changed. I put a good ad blocker back on, I have removed all images from my internet browser. I now see only what I want to see when I want to see it. I should have done this from the start but I did not. I went to read my comics and was afraid that they would not come up with the ad blocker in use. But I decided that I did not care if they didn't. Not seeing inappropriate images was more important to me. But the comics still came up so I was happy about that.

My wife and I went to a restaurant at a marina this summer to have lunch. On the way I thought about what I might see there. There would be people. Some of those people would be girls. The marina was on a lake and that most likely meant swimming suits. So I was ready. While eating lunch my wife handed me our binoculars to see a little child in a swing on a boat. What I saw was a young woman in a bikini. I immediately put the binoculars down and never looked again. I did not lear. I did not lust. But I knew that I did not need to look at her any more. I only want to see one womans body and that is my wife's. I was ready for the marina.

On average, I think that males lust more than women. I believe that most males are more prone to visual enticement than females. This is not an excuse for sexual sins. This is not a "cop-out". It is simply a fact of biology. God created male and female. In His image he created them. Males and females are different physically and emotionally. A Christian male needs to be ever vigilant when it comes to sexual temptation. He needs to be very careful in how he uses his eyes.

My wife and I are currently watching a video series called "Grounded Union". It is the story of a wife whose husband committed infidelity and the healing of their marriage. We are hoping that it will help us. In the series they talk about how many Christian pastors fall into sexual sin. They comment how it is indicative of the failings of the Christian Church. I do not agree. I believe that a pastor is under more attack than anyone in the Church. Satan wants to separate us from God. If Satan can take out the pastor he may take others with him. I believe that Christian leaders need to be more vigilant than anyone in dealing with sexual temptation. Some day I might change my mind but as of this moment this is what I believe.

3/27/2025

I am skipping ahead to explain why I am writing this letter. There are a number of reasons. One is that I need to confess my sins. I am too cowardly to get up in front of a church or any group of believers. I think that I could talk in front of people. I do not think that I would freeze up. I am just too scared to admit my failures. So I am doing it publicly on this page. I do not know if I even have the courage to tell my children. I do not know if I even should. I will let my wife decide. But for me this a way to try to take away some of my pain. It is selfish act, Just like most of my actions is life.

The second reason is because I know that I am not alone. There have been many Christians who have committed sexual sins. The Bible itself is filled with stories of Godly men who faltered in life. Some of them are in the lineage of Christ. Judah commited incest with his daughter-in-law. David committed adultery and murder in his encounter with Bathsheeba. God called David a friend. Solomon who wrote many proverbs concerning sexual purity and who was the wisest man who ever lived had 300 wives and 700 concubines. Christ came from all three of these men. Their failures do not in any way make my mistakes any less devastating. They simply help me to not feel so alone. It helps me to understand that God can forgive me and can heal me. It does nothing for my wife.

The most important reason for my writing these words is for me to give encouragement to anyone who has experienced the same failures. You may feel all alone. But you are not. I often felt that I was the loneliest person in the world. I have contemplated suicide more times than I can remember. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. But I was never really alone. God always lifted me up and encouraged me. If you are feeling anxious, are trapped in a sin or are contemplating suicide I can only say - do not do what I did. Do not internalize it. Seek out somebody to help you through. I cannot go back in time and ask for help. But not a day goes by where I do not long for the chance to do just that. Most importantly pray to God for the strength to make it through. God loves me and He loves you. Christ died so that we can be forgiven for our sins.